A Requiem of Choices

On March 11th this year Dougie called me at work and told me, “Honey there’s been a terrible accident – Bo’s been shot.” It’s strange how something can be a traumatic shock and yet not be a surprise at the same time. In that instant I knew my brother had made a decision and, while I still believe it was made from a terribly distorted perception of the facts, it was consistent with how he had lived much of his life – a quick calculation of the risks and benefits, a decision, an action, an outcome. Oh but what a sad outcome for us all, especially his sons who were left orphaned.

Bo did not die straight away, but was airlifted from our farm in Pawarenga to Whangarei Hospital where, surrounded by friends and family, he died the next morning. He was aged 45.

As the grievous news spread, tributes poured in from around the world.

“This is a really hard news that we have received from our bro, Bo. This so simple brother had give us good time and good reflexion about the sport of Vaa while he has been with us for the Super Aito. Faa ito ito parahata (good luck brother). E ita oe e moe hia ia matou (we will never forget you).” – Mara Aitamai & Charley Maitere (La Fédération Tahitienne
De Va'a, Tahiti)

“We have lost a true Waka Warrior. He was the straightest, strongest and gutsiest man most of us will ever know and his passing leaves a giant hole. We will miss you bro but we'll meet again on another wave some day. Paddle home with love and peace in your heart.” – Kris Kjeldsen (Mitimitaga O Le Pasifika Va’a Alo OCC, Ngunguru)

“Think of Bo in the clear blue sea,
Where the crashing waves spray over him,
Where his spirit rises with the risen sun,
And surfs still when the day is done.” – Paul Jackson (Australia)

Many thousands from all over the motu made the sad journey to Bo’s tangi in Pawarenga. Others came from as far afield as China / Taipei and Australia. The question on all their lips was, “Why?” The answer will probably never be known but, as part of our own healing and recovery, we created a memorial card that concludes with a ritual karakia revived by the late Father Michael Shirres, who invoked it as a Maori theological response to violence. It goes:

“Waea te noa i a koe.
Waea te hau i runga i a koe.
Waea te taurekarekatanga i a koe.
Ko te mumu te awha tenei ka horo,
Ka horo te hau otaota i runga i a koe
Ko Tiki i ahua mai i Hawaiki.
Ko te mauri tena i kawea ai te tokomauri o te tapu,
Tapu nui, tapu whakahirahira,
He mauri no Rongo ki te whai-ao.
Tihe mauri ora to koiwi ka horo,
Ka noa nga hau i runga i a koe”

'Clear away the noa from you,
clear away the spirit which is upon you,
clear away from you the state of being powerless.
The storm rages. This clears it.
The force upon you that makes you rubbish is cleared off.
You are Tiki formed in Hawaiki.
That life-force brought [to you]
is the manifold life-force of the tapu, a great tapu, a
highly important tapu.
It is a life-force from Rongo, leading to the dawn.
Breathe living spirit! Your bones are cleared.
The forces over you are made noa.'

“Why?” Just as it is impossible to judge Bo’s life solely by the moment of his death, it is impossible for us to answer that question or to describe our feelings in one statement. But our youngest brother Aaron spoke for us all during the tangi when he visualised taking one last paddle with Bo. As he came to the end of the visualisation he asked, “Why do you have to go Bo?” Then he pleaded, “You’re paddling too fast for me to keep up. Don’t go Bo.” And finally he said, “You’ve stopped paddling now Bo. I see you on the horizon and I hear the question you’re asking me. It’s OK Bo. I forgive you. Of course I forgive you. You’re my brother and I love you.”

We have all taken on the sad privilege of being surrogate parents to Bo's sons - wonderful young men who miss him. We have just commemorated our first Christmas without Bo and we miss him. There is still the inquest and his estate and his ex-partner to be dealt with and we miss him more. The bad days get further and further apart and the pain becomes less and less agonising, but it can still take us by surprise, and at the end of each day we still miss him. Yes - we miss him and always will until the time of reunion.

Someone once wisely said, “There is no blame or shame. There is only what was, what is and what will never be.” As a whanau our love, memories and feelings are all we have to share with each other and those who, like us, loved Bo unconditionally. Our mother had always felt she knew what was going to happen tomorrow, next month, next year. “But now,” she says, “my whole world has shifted and will never be the same again.” Our sister, Pat Stephens, reflects, “Regardless of what we [his older sisters] felt about him when we were kids – Bo was THAT special to us.” And Conan, Chase and Sean are able to say, “We are proud to be his sons.”

While his spirit undoubtedly resides elsewhere, Bo's body now rests beside his beloved Chriss in Tu Aroha urupa on our family farm, encircled by the hills of home.

This blog has not been written and cannot be read as a mere statement of the facts. This is also a statement of love and forgiveness, faith and hope, obedience and free will. It's a statement of belief in God's plan of happiness and Jesus Christ's atonement. It's a statement about the premortal choice we were all given to become like God or to become something less. It's an iteration of Bo's choice to try for Godhood and an acknowledgement that he left the cocoon of te paerau and was born on earth in mortality; that he received and was tabernacled in his body; that he has experienced life and death and has now re-entered te paerau for a short season. And, ultimately, it's a triumphant declaration that, through the pathway forged by Jesus Christ, Bo will also get to experience resurrection and immortality and will take up his rightful place in eternity. O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory? (1 Corinthians 15:55)

Daily I look at my sweetheart and thank God for his companionship and love. Here at the end of this very long and hard year I look forward with renewed gratitude, faith, hope and love to the resurrection.