OLD HURTS / OLD HABITS

How long does it take to break a habit? What lessons need to be learned before we can say we've conquered it?

I learned early the habit of returning pain for pain. I wasn't born with it - I was taught it. The first hiding I remember I was only 3. The physical shock of it is no longer felt in my nerves and, though it's damage went cell deep, I'm still intact at a sub-cellular level, in my spirit. That's who I really am. That's what allows me to continuously rise above my old habits and hurts.

For the longest time my heart was broken and rebroken every time Dad hit me. I loved him and wanted his approval, but couldn't bring myself to accept his tyranny, no matter how much pain he inflicted. So I learned to read the danger signs and I learned to defend myself when the attacks came. And that readiness to fight defined my life. Verbal, physical, intellectual, spiritual, whatever - I returned violation for violation. People soon learned to leave me alone. Even those who could hurt me bad knew it would come at a cost to them. And no-one ever saw me cry. Never.

That all changed with the advent of the Church in my life. Chev rarely saw or heard much more than a frown or a stern word from me. Determined to break the intergenerational anger and violence, I taught and raised her with a heartfelt gentleness. You can see it in how she is today. I gave and took delight in forgiveness and understood that the past could be healed.

Then I got married and, ever since, I've struggled to hang on to the peace of the gospel in my heart. As my husband has battled an illness he thought he'd overcome years before, I've similarly descended into dark places I thought I'd left behind.

This morning I felt like I was losing the struggle, that I was pointlessly repeating the cycle I'd lived with my father. Then it came to me that there are lessons I hadn't learnt, hadn't even encountered really, in my daughter experience. Lessons that only my wife experience with Doug can teach me. Some are old, many are new. All of them are blowing me away.

I'm learning that when we married I truly did become one with him and it's been a shock to the system. E.g. It might be Doug's Black Dog, but I know the bite of its teeth too. They feel like my father's fists. Another example - it was my blood brother who suicided but Doug knew the pain of it as intimately as I did. We are one.

Next lesson - I'm learning that I have to take personal responsibility for my own shit and simply observe his. I really struggle with this one. (Yes Doug - I know, you know. And yes - I'm not good at it yet. But I will learn baby. I will learn to not confuse my responsibilities as your wife with your responsibilities as my husband.)

I could go on discovering lessons for hours. I don't have the time here and now. Suffice to say that I'm learning that I still have some lessons to learn before I can truly say that I've broken the habit of being hurt and hurting back.

God help me.