ALARM BELLS RING

DATELINE: 23rd October 2027 : 10:02:24

[Morning Report – Native Radio]

STUDIO: In breaking news, the Regional Anti-Tourism and Cultural Hegemony Team carried out dawn raids across Northland this morning making several arrests under the Tourism Suppression Act. Amongst those detained is well-known activist and suspected tourist operator, L. R. Mist, along with a busload of Chinese nationals.

RATCHET Leader, Howdy Narrow, says there is enough evidence to warrant this morning’s detentions and subsequent closed Court hearings. Our reporter, Patai Ngawari, was at Mr Narrow’s media conference in Auckland.

PN: Team Leader, what evidence have you got of illegal tourism in Northland?
HN: Enough.
PN: The Court hearings for those arrested have been closed to the media. Why is that?
HN: We don’t want the evidence to embarrass anyone.
PN: Does that mean the evidence wouldn’t stand up to public scrutiny?
HN: Nope. It means it’s sensitive and private.
PN: Sensitive and private to whom?
HN: Them and us, of course.
PN: So the closed Court hearings are to protect the alleged tourists?
HN: Absolutely. They have rights too. Next!

STUDIO: Prime Minister, Domina Trix, has confirmed that she was briefed by Mr Narrow months ago on the suspected tourism operations, and says she is satisfied they pose a threat to national security. She spoke to Huakina Waha in Wellington earlier today.

HW: Prime Minister, why are these tourists a threat to our national security?
PM: What basket case are you reporters living in? Our Pacific neighbours have all gone to hell on a banana skin, and you people sit there asking, “ Why?” Let me tell you why pal. Tourism! That’s why! Well – not in my country and not on my watch!

STUDIO: However, co-leader of the Nationalised Labour Party, Daffodil Kee, who also spoke to Huakina in Wellington earlier today, is highly critical of the raids.

HW: Ms Kee, have you managed to speak to any of the alleged tourists?
DK: Yes. And I can say they very upset to be in this predicament. They say they come here on a goodwill spiritual journey and are just mortified to be accused of tourism.
HW: What will happen to them now?
DK: They not sure. But, for shore, they wanna go home to China as soon as.
HW: Do you believe the raids were justified?
DK: Hell no! They set this country’s Asia-Pacific relations back twenny-five years, AND they endanger our nuclear-free status. China is super pissed off! They even talking about no All Blacks at next Rugby World Cup in Rewi Alley City!"

STUDIO: Meanwhile Native Radio has learned that today’s highest profile detainee, L. R. Mist, will be shipped to a holding cell on White Island tomorrow.

From his own cell on the island, long-time and venerated detainee, Tame Iti, made a statement via his mainland spokesperson. We close this bulletin with Winitana Petera speaking from Tauranga.

WP: Mr Iti has asked me to pass his best wishes and encouragement on to the Chinese cuzzies. He also has this simple message for L. R. Mist – 'Welcome to my world, bro.'” No! No questions!

STUDIO: Hei konei. Hei kona.