UNDERSTANDING THE DIFFERENCES

400 years ago Shakespeare wrote, "There are more things under heaven and earth than are in our understanding." Six years ago, and only four days after he’d arrived in New Zealand, I took my future husband to a tangi. Later that week I listened with amazement to him describe his understanding of the karanga to a mate of his back in Canada. "We stood at the gate until a woman came out of the building and screamed at us," he said, “and then Anahera screamed back at her.”

We have a lot in common – born the same year, grew up on the same programmes and movies and listened to the same music. So this was our first concrete encounter with our cultural differences. His understanding has grown hugely over the years since, and it’s now an inside joke between us to spot "the screamers" at every powhiri or tangi we attend. But for many people in this country, other cultures’ practices still fall well outside their understanding. Throw death, grief and spousal ignorance into the mix, and you have a tragi-comedy in the making.

That’s how I saw it when Billty T James died in 1991. The quirky public comedy of his life flowed into his death when his uncle uplifted him from under his Pakeha wife’s nose and buried him at Taupiri over her objections. The media had a field day at the time, and Howard Morrison criticised his old mate and colleague, saying he should have prepared his whanau better. Just how unprepared James’ whanau were, was shown by the fact that, with his death, his only child from a previous relationship, got to experience her first ever tangi. More than a bit sad, but hardly surprising, really, given the freedom we enjoy in this country to love as we choose.

Inevitably, once the media spotlight faded, most of us forgot Sir Howie’s key message which was bang on. Billy T should have prepared his whanau for the inevitable.

So – have you clearly spelt out to your nearest and dearest what you want to happen after you exit this mortal coil? Have you made a Will yet? What if something happened that didn’t kill you but left you unable to act for yourself? Are there people you’d trust to act as your Power of Attorney and take care of your business if that happened? Preferably you’ll be able to think of two such people and can then give one of them POA over your personal property and the other POA over your personal care.

This month’s very public tangle over the burial of James Takamore represents a lot of private heartbreak for his longtime Pakeha partner and his Maori whanau who are now in a classic Mexican standoff where the only thing they agree on is that he died in Christchurch and is now buried at Kutarere, just about exactly 1000 kilometres north of where his partner and kids want him. It could all so easily have been avoided if the gentleman had prepared his whanau before he died.

Koutou ma, there’s enough mystery about death without leaving your whanau ill-prepared for it. Help them to understand what will happen at your death, and do whatever it takes to ensure the karanga doesn’t turn into a scream. Hei konei. Hei kona.